Thailand Bangkok Mission... Saaayy What?

im doing the mish

I want to share my "deciding story" 

So I sorta breezed past this in previous posts. But I'm going on a mission..
HOLLA!!! SAY WHAT? Sister Mish in da house!
It still does NOT seem real. I cannot believe it! The call is SO perfect for me! I am giddy at the thought of me living in Thailand and helping people come to Christ. Seriously? Is that real?
I hate myself in this video, I was having so many strange unknown feelings. My body was SO confused. If you have ever opened a sealed envelope, with its contents deciding your fate I'm sure you can relate. It is CRAY CRAY

I want to apologize for singing a tacky eminem song (I hate him and I cannot fathom why I thought it would be appropriate to quote little Marsh in this situation)


I went to china and fell in LOVE with babies who i was lucky enough to mother, when I left those babies some of them passed away and some stayed on this earth to finish fighting their battles, I was equally heartbroken by both, knowing that some child's life was cut short, knowing that another child would probably(hopefully) be adopted into a family where they would deal with their medical issue without the love and comfort of the gospel of Jesus Christ and knowledge of Gods perfect plan. I  know that right now there is no way for me to save those babies but maybe one day because I helped save someone else's babies they will find mine and bring them to Christ. I know with my whole heart that Gods plan has no loopholes and that one day all that is unfair in this world will be made right. I am so blessed to have grown up in a family with the love and support of the Church around me. I also know that because I have been given much I too must give. I am delighted for this beautiful opportunity to serve the Lord and strengthen the families of Thailand.

I leave tomorrow morning for the MTC. [[what?, how did that happen? what is going on?]]

I have been set apart as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
[ My Stake President- President Eddington gave me the most COMFORTING blessing full of promises and advice for my mission.  I was so worried about the language and had prayed to feel some comfort that it was going to be great, I went in with that weighing heavily on my heart, I even listened and searched for a time when I could bring this concern up to Pres. Eddington so he would bless me for it but instead I decided to be patient. I held a earnest pray in my overwhelmed heart that I would know that the gift of tongues would be one of my gifts... & among other things the blessing quieted my fears and I have never been more excited and calm at the same time]

 I know that the Lord is on my side and that I will have his angels and on my left side and my right as I go out into the world to share this glad message. 

Sister Status
 humbly,
SISTER TILLEY!!!!

Miss Proletarian

im a working woman.

I was kidding myself when I thought sitting in the sun and whistling at hot swimmers all day was a job.
What I have discovered in the last week is that the working world ( the real one) is cruel.

I am so grateful to have a job and to be doing something that I enjoy and making great $ doing it

double that.. cause  I now have 2 jobs.

I PASSED MY BOARDS!!!!! NCLEX = my B!T@#$*
( 3 hours and 85 grueling questions later & I am a Licensed Nurse)

Jobs
     -Terrace Grove Assisted Living and Physical Rehab Center - NOC Nurse
     - Avalon Hills Eating Disorder Rehab Center - Nurse

  after completing a 12 hour shift I have more complaints running through my head than the Jews of the holocoust did. My feet hurt, my bad hurts, I'm hungry and Im TIRED. Working NOC shift is called "Graves" for a reason- it just about kills me. But I finish and I come out feeling like an olympic medalist.


Do you think something is wrong with me if I get ego boosted from 80 year old men?
yeah... probably

I have been told that I am a "lovely lady" more this week than I can ever remember in my life.
It is the sweetest compliment, I wish it was more frequently used today. What a beautiful thing to say.

Do work ladies.

i. am. tired.
i. feel. alone.&lost.
my. soul. is.weary.


Mission countdown is at 36 days. I think I am the most excited I have been about my mission since opening my call, but I am exhausted emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I feel so empty.

I'm going to blame it on my job- which I am lucky as a duck to have been able to have.
Working form 630pm- 730am has ruined me, I am not my happy optimistic self, I am genuinely very sad. I have 2 more days and I know I should be finding that fact as light at the end of the tunnel or the silver lining but when I think about it, I just frown and whisper to myself...

 i cant do it. Its too hard and no one cares and no one is helping me.

boo hooo... poor baby.
I don't know why I choose this time for me to doubt going on a mission, for every concern to blow up in my mind. I'm worried about how old I will be when I get back, & not be finished with school, be old unmarried and unaccomplished scholastically, and Thai people eat rice allll dayy so ill probably be fatter than aunt marge (hp#3)
As quickly as the doubts come I am able to dismiss them with word of encouragement and a little self validation, noting how it really doesn't matter and the Lord will work everything out if I surrender my will for his. Yet I think a small remainder of the irrational concerns lingers in the corners of my weary soul and it worries me into mental, emotional and spiritual exhaustion.

 

Ill just keep saying
The Lord is in control & I trust him.
Everything will be alright.
& hope one of these sleepless nights those pests in the corners of my soul give up

...and they will.

Patience

Disclaimer;lately Ive been using this blog to vent my feelings when I am feeling down- So it seems like I am always down. I'm not. NEXT post is going to be so sweet and full of love it gives you cavities and chest pains.

The heart wants ♥ what it wants

I know myself pretty well, I am as prone to follow a trend as any girl on the block. But through the years of fading fads & one hit wonders I have identified a few constants in my life-

I will never stop wanting....

1]] loooooooooooooooonger hair

2]] a baby

and that's just the way it is. Righteous desires if I ever did see one.

those funny little things called dreams

I  am certain that dreams indicate the true desires of the heart....at least mine have lately. I've been dreaming about Seth. In China, or at Lagoon he is ever so present in my crazy dreamland. In those dreams I am as happy as I ever was but it is cruel trick that my mind plays on me. I wake up and I have tears running down my cheeks and my heart aches as I panickly look around my bed for my babe as those last bits of dreamful illusion slip out from under me and I  fall hard into the loneliness of reality. The reality that I love and am having a great time living in... I just don't have a baby, I don't have my baby.

the annoying mindless ramblings of my heart

Grow up, age, get older.... however you say it, it is happening. It seems like all you can think about when you are young is growing up. Its not entirely your fault though, is it? People reinforce this behavior by saying things like " You are not old enough", "You will understand when you get older". Frankly -Its bull $@*#. Excuse my unnecessary use of symbols but honestly. At whatever age or milestone you are at in life you know all that you need to for that time. You are enough. But somehow people make you feel inadequate and you dream of the days when you will  be a "grown up".

one day

out of the idleness of the weekday it changes

a switch so quickly you have to look in the rearview to catch a glimpse as it vanishes into the distance.

You are old enough, you can understand 'adult talk', and you know enough.

 From then on it feels like you are running uphill to avoid getting older.

When I was scared and alone in China I would lay on my wood mattress with a perfect sleeping baby on my  chest and John Mayer in my ears.

" So scared of getting older, I'm only good at being young"

&  i would cry

though pointless, it seems like the ONLY thing you can do sometimes.

I knew when I returned to the states I was going to have to be a responsible adult and take care of myself instead of focusing all my love and energy on the babies I was mothering and love very much. I hated that. I hated that because it scared me.  I've been home just over a year now and Im still scared. Im scared of growing up. I will always be afraid of it, because it is unknown.  

People hate what they dont underestand... true dat... right?

For now I will deny the fact that time is slipping through my fingers at a much quicker pace than I find tolerable and I will enjoy the present. Im actually really really good at that.
I love winter. I love Logan. I love winter in Logan. there I said it.
I feel like the time you spend complaining could be used to change the circumstances so if you are  unhappy with where you are in life.... change it.

I love where I am at in life, As I encounter a new milestones and close chapters of my life I find myself saying " I love where I am at in life right now." how lucky am I? that I can say that to myself constantly?  And then again it doesn't have anything to do with luck does it? 

It has NOTHING to do with LUCK and everything to do with BLESSINGS

 I am getting showered over here. My heart is so full of love. I know that God is so very aware of me.

gratefully,

aub 

5 months in a blog-shell

 I sometimes feel like I'm doing okay in life and then I visit my blog and all those feelings of self gratification vanish! 

Well I've been doing great? How've  you been?

neglected.

The only thing to do now is-enjoy a briefing of the most important things that have transpired during the 5 months that  I idiotically took a vow of blog silence ( shame shame shame)

SEPTMEBER
3rd- Finally snapped outta my dirty blonde phase and went dark! Then i went the U of U Homecoming festivities

survived school this month
OCTOBER
2nd- Featured in the Utah State Statesman @ the football game

10th- Almost went to a 80s dance party but took Linds to the E.R instead!

20th- Did a presenation on prostate cancer for school- 'aced it'
survived school this month
NOVEMBER

6th- VOTED!

11th- Uncles Mike & Peter came to visit from Boston

15th- Did a presentation on anal atria for school- 'aced it'
22nd-26th- Thanksgiving weekend in LaSal with the Fam (rode some horses)

survived school this month
DECEMBER
8th Annual Holiday Whobidiee-Whatee @ the Babe Cave

15th- Officially graduated from LPNursing School
25th Christmas!
27th- Got a pretty cool letter in the mail from some cute boys

JANUARY
1st-  Caught the influenza... almost DIED- So much for flu shots!!!!!
studied for my nursing boards - [[ scheduled for the 29th!]] 
18th- 20th- Sister sanctuary weekend / bayleaf grand closing :(

.So there it is.

 I mean some big things & some small things
 i have so much good in my life & feel so blessed


Ill check in sooner next time. so there is less to absorb

 xoxo A