the annoying mindless ramblings of my heart

Grow up, age, get older.... however you say it, it is happening. It seems like all you can think about when you are young is growing up. Its not entirely your fault though, is it? People reinforce this behavior by saying things like " You are not old enough", "You will understand when you get older". Frankly -Its bull $@*#. Excuse my unnecessary use of symbols but honestly. At whatever age or milestone you are at in life you know all that you need to for that time. You are enough. But somehow people make you feel inadequate and you dream of the days when you will  be a "grown up".

one day

out of the idleness of the weekday it changes

a switch so quickly you have to look in the rearview to catch a glimpse as it vanishes into the distance.

You are old enough, you can understand 'adult talk', and you know enough.

 From then on it feels like you are running uphill to avoid getting older.

When I was scared and alone in China I would lay on my wood mattress with a perfect sleeping baby on my  chest and John Mayer in my ears.

" So scared of getting older, I'm only good at being young"

&  i would cry

though pointless, it seems like the ONLY thing you can do sometimes.

I knew when I returned to the states I was going to have to be a responsible adult and take care of myself instead of focusing all my love and energy on the babies I was mothering and love very much. I hated that. I hated that because it scared me.  I've been home just over a year now and Im still scared. Im scared of growing up. I will always be afraid of it, because it is unknown.  

People hate what they dont underestand... true dat... right?

For now I will deny the fact that time is slipping through my fingers at a much quicker pace than I find tolerable and I will enjoy the present. Im actually really really good at that.
I love winter. I love Logan. I love winter in Logan. there I said it.
I feel like the time you spend complaining could be used to change the circumstances so if you are  unhappy with where you are in life.... change it.

I love where I am at in life, As I encounter a new milestones and close chapters of my life I find myself saying " I love where I am at in life right now." how lucky am I? that I can say that to myself constantly?  And then again it doesn't have anything to do with luck does it? 

It has NOTHING to do with LUCK and everything to do with BLESSINGS

 I am getting showered over here. My heart is so full of love. I know that God is so very aware of me.

gratefully,

aub